Seeta Haran (2012 Edition)

Lady Seeta has just been abducted by Ravana. Ravana used his personal 747 to abduct her, an act he would describe later with as much pride as the counter-espionage stories of some intelligence operatives (once they retire, of course).
Jatayu, Lord Rama’s friend, spy and comrade, had sneaked in as Captain Jatayu on Rav Airways. However, Jats had no real flight time experience nor a valid CPL. He though, had an ipad, and he had pulled the wiki pages on “learn to fly 747 in 5 minutes”. Moreover, the real plan was to crash the craft over the ocean, with the hope that Ravana being a ten-headed imbalanced creature, will find it difficult to swim either free-style or breast-stroke (his heads are a hindrance for most swimming styles, he mused, unless he had learnt the dog style). Lady Seeta, on the other hand, born and brought up in and around Mithila (modern day Bihar) had experience of swimming during the annual flood season, so most likely, she will survive. At least till Lord Rama gets his cruise ship along. Worse case, Life of Piscean Seeta could be the next booker prize winner. Even worst, Lady Seeta’s latest cellphone is waterproof. She was just about showing how she picked it off ebay in an auction. She should be able to call for help assuming she is able to connect with the customer care agent (in time) and they understand what she is looking for (again, in time). Jatayu wondered for a minute whether the IVRs had put such help as part of standard navigation patterns.
In a twist of events, Ravana logged on to facebook from his seat (First Class privileges and all) and saw Jatayu’s status update – “Out to slay Ravana. Wish me luck.”. Ravana immediately liked the status and commented -“Wlcm bk. Itz bn sm tym luvrboy!”. Jatayu saw Ravana’s comment and started blushing immediately, much to the chagrin of his co-pilot Captain Sampaati. “Focus!”, he screamed. Jatayu immediately commented – “Ra.One.. delete the comment. Two. Spell properly. I am a #grammarnazi. Three. Can’t wait to see you. Four. I meant “slay”, not “lay””. Rama and Lakshmana liked Jatayu’s comment. By this time, entire vanar sena was unsure of Jatayu’s loyalties. He seemed like a double agent. At the same time, the possibility of Ra.Two to Ra.Four in 2012 made the Mayan prophecy seem true. It was going to be the end of the world. Sita’s hands were tied, and she wasn’t aware of this conversation. She was totally going to hate it later. She had tried using Siri, but Siri had not yet adapted to her Bihari English twang.

Jatayu’s plan was good, but he left his ipad in the cockpit in a hurry to jump. So, Jatayu jumped off the plane, thinking the plane would crash. But two things went wrong. He asked Sampati to put the parachute on his back. Sampati instead, sensing dange, put himself on his back. “Blimey!” is all Jatayu could manage before crashing heavily on the water and sinking deep.
Ravana, in the meantime, picked Jatayu’s ipad and learnt all about “learn to fly a 747 in 5 minutes” and took control of the ship, put it on autopilot, and tweeted – “Jatayu crashed. I am safe LOL! So mch 4 spel prprly”. Ram tweeted, “-1 RT @Ravana: “Jatayu crashed. I am safe LOL!””. Ravana Replied, “@Ram_Original: Thrz nuthn lyk ‘-1’ on twitter U twat!”
Lakshmana was furious. He started a new meme – #RavanIsGay. People confused it with #RaOneisGay and Ravana became the next Kolaveri/ Wilbur Sargunaraj. Soon, everyone was tweeting about Ravana and the, by now, Jatayu. The big parallel debate led by @BDutt, in the meantime, was – if Ravana and Jatayu are on, then why was Sampaati on top of Jatayu under water?
Ravana grew furios-er. He had this uneasy feeling of coming out of the closet. For centuries that alternate-universe hogwash of Sita not getting violated by Ravana because of some celestial curse was about to be exposed. But he wasn’t a n00b. He immediately tweeted – “I will post my nude pic with @ipoonampandey soon. Hang in there”. Some tricks never fail, he thought to himself.
Rama was besides himself. He knew that he had to win this social media war to get Seeta back. But these were modern times. So, he could not continue playing fair. To hell with the Maryadapurushottam bullshit. Desperate times need desperate measures. He invoked his crown prince status. From his pack of pokemon cards, he pulled out a Kapil Sibal. Immediately, Ravan was censored and taken off air. So much for the 747.
Once grounded, Ravana was as good as that poor south Indian kid with a 16 initials long name (and a cute nickname of Subbu) introducing himself to a glam mumbaichi mulgi.
Vibhisana warned Ravana. “Bhraatr! This is the time to accept defeat and cut down the losses. This is social media and we can always get back at Rama. We will humiliate him. So much that Sita might start to follow you and unfollow Rama. Maybe as soon as 5 minutes later.” All the heads of Ravana LOLed. Meghanaad ROFLMAOed. Everyone laughed, except Kumbhakarna. Kumbhakarna was a laggard. He was still proof reading his blog post about the tragic demise of Tataka and Khar-Dooshan, which he thought will generate a lot of traffic for his blog. And maybe some sympathy for the ruling party at Lanka-Shire. Somewhere, he still hoped to get rich using the adsense thingy he had learnt from a 5 year old blogpost at TechCrunch.


About Amit
Conventional, boring, believer, poet, Shayar (to be precise), lover of music, musical instruments, and all that can be called music (theoretically or metaphorically), jack of all master of none, more of a reader less of a writer, arbit philosopher, foolish debater.. and many more such things.. like so many people!

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